Hello! As your resident Florida opinionator, I wanted to try something new: a maybe-occasional advice column. Why? Because I often find myself reading other advice columns, getting irritated at the feeble advice and throwing my phone into the couch pillows. These questions came from followers on Instagram, but if you’d like to lob a question at me — silly, serious or somewhere in between, email me at shayes@tampabay.com.
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Dear Stephanie,
I grew up in Florida but moved away for college and grad school. I moved back for family reasons and met my now-husband. We lived in St. Petersburg and Tampa the first few years of our relationship, then moved to Pasco County to be near my in-laws when we had our second child. Parenting is hard. I needed help.
But now my kids are a tiny bit older, and I’m thinking of the opportunities and lives they might have if we move to a blue state. They’re little, so we don’t know if they’re gay or trans or soccer players or downhill skiers or Broadway enthusiasts or what, but I can’t help but think — would they have a better life if we moved? Someplace more inclusive? Someplace where people invest in their communities and provide real services? Someplace with colleges and universities that are able to work on DEI initiatives? My in-laws are very involved with my kids, but they have some very traditional views on things — completely opposite from mine and my partner’s. I honestly lose sleep thinking about whether we should leave Florida for a blue state or whether I’d be harming my kids’ relationship with their grandparents.
— Unsure in Florida
Hey Unsure in Florida,
Good news. You’re on track to give your kids a great life because you care so much. Please rest a bit easier.
Now, let’s talk about the rascally problem child that is Florida. One thing that gets my goat is when people from other states side-eye the increasingly draconian landscape here and say things like, “I don’t know how you live there,” or “Why don’t you move?” I would not fault anyone for leaving if they felt unsafe and unsupported, and plenty have. But relocating is deeply personal and logistically complex, not as simple as ordering a funky new coffee. No one should have to flee a treasured home for political reasons.
When I’m stuck in a feedback loop, I find it helps to physically do a task. Try writing a list: pros and cons of staying. This isn’t a shallow numbers game but rather an exercise in carving clear values out of a nebulous bar of soap.
If, say, you find your list tilting in the direction of family, friends, teachers and neighbors, then you might value human interactions. If your list fills up with matters of work, education, healthcare, you might value systems. Same goes for weather, leisure, climate. The results will be a mix, of course, but by pulling on the trending threads, a fuller picture of your non-negotiables will emerge. You can then have the information you need to build the life you most want.
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Explore all your optionsKeep in mind, too, that change does not have to be all or nothing. Florida isn’t a monolith; maybe there’s a county or city that better meshes with your mindset, close enough to preserve the grandparent relationship but far enough to take breaks when your styles clash. Maybe you stay put for elementary and move for those formative tween years. Maybe you leave now and come back when your older family needs help. Maybe you hunker down and put energy into your chosen causes while budgeting for travel to show your kids manifold experiences around the world.
Your priorities can and will shift with life, the same way states shift politically. It was not long ago that Florida was a purple state, if you can recall. And no state is a total wasteland or a total haven; they’re all an inkblot depending on who’s looking. If you know who you are and what you stand for, that confidence will seep into to your children no matter where you end up calling home.
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Dear Stephanie,
Best way to eat tacos, hard and soft?
— Taco Enthusiast
Dear Taco Enthusiast,
This a vital question, thank you for asking. The best way to eat tacos — shell texture is a personal choice — is at a dark bar inside a low-end restaurant. The restaurant should have string lights and giant laminated menus, plus a cardboard standee of the Dos Equis man. You should be slightly depressed — nothing out of control, just a bit world-weary. You need a dining partner to match this energy and split a BOGO margarita deal. One drink each, though! Your goal is to get less depressed. The sour mix must be unnaturally green. The chips must be complimentary. The day must be Tuesday. Go now. Hang your head and eat.
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